I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
