He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
