If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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