im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
