thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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