Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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