I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
