how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
