So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
