I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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