And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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