everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
