there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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