and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Someone shit on the floor
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
