Someone shit on the floor
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
