I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
