end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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