just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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