Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
