Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Duck Duck Cougar?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
