I puked a lego.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
