hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
