Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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