i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I deserve this hangover.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
