Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
