I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
