you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
