i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
