woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
