I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
