So drunk its hurt
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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