apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
