If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
