I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
