The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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