i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
