It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Come see our sink grown plant.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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