you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
