Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
