I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
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You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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