why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
