I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
