I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
