the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
