I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
