I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
