I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
