captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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