too bad you live with your parents still
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
