Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
