i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
