is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
