I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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