Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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