god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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