You just made me feel so damn special
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
