I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Pants are for mortals
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
